


feel a little safer with you

by orphan_account



Category: TXT (Korea Band)
Genre: Depression, Fluff, Light Angst, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Smoking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-04
Updated: 2019-09-04
Packaged: 2020-10-10 02:14:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,707
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20520275
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Soobin's life was all glitters and rainbows till he reached the miserable age of 17. A tumour in his happiness, it was malignant. And in no time, his entire brain was contaminated.





	feel a little safer with you

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! I strongly recommend you all to read the tags before proceeding further, thank you.

You know how life of an 18 year old is supposed to be all fun, hangovers and parties. Except it's not the same for Soobin. He lies in his bed all day, questions the purpose of his existence, feels worthless and then puts on a happy costume for his family and goes downstairs. Every day is a costume party for Soobin. Whenever his dad talks about his unrealistic expectations about his son, it makes Soobin gag. What makes this entire thing even more miserable is the spark, oh the spark in his eyes. It adds to the misery.   
But at the same time, his dad's dreams are valid since Soobin has always been the perfect boy that the teachers love and the class mates envy.

Soobin's life was all glitters and rainbows till he reached the miserable age of 17. A tumour in his happiness, it was malignant. And in no time, his entire brain was contaminated. You see how sadness is depicted in movies as lying in the bathtub and screaming, it's different for Soobin. It takes him the diligence of tearing down mountains to even take a shower, or even speak. It's misery for him. Soobin thinks sadness is a vaccine. At first you feel so bad you could scream and cry and feel like wreck the walls, till you don't feel anything at all. He feels stuck in this never ending loop on numbness. It's like being in stuck in melted wax. It's melancholy and suffocating. 

The polaroids on his wall were the only thing that used to make him happy, they brought back the only fading taste of happiness he could cling onto, but now he doesn't remember what it felt like to be happy. 

Leaving for school is the worst part of the day, you have to get out of bed and actually put on a mildly credible costume of happiness yet again and force the gooey cereal down your oesophagus without the anti-peristalsis reversing your struggle.

"Soobin, good luck on your test!", his mother, the kindest soul he knew, said with the perpetual smile on her face.   
"Thanks mom", Soobin smiled back, avoiding any eye contact. It's an everyday conversation. The good luck! have fun! i love you! and what not.   
"I love you", his mom whispered to which Soobin smiled again till he realized his mother was expecting a 'me too' or a hug, perhaps. Or an i love you more'. Anything would do.   
"I love you too," Soobin mumbled as he left the house.   
At this point, making your vocal chords function is a TASK for Soobin.   
Reaching his class is a task for Soobin. He doesn't wanna talk to anyone in the class. To what he's seen his family go through ever since he was diagnosed with 'depression',he feels like his sadness is somewhat, SOMEWHAT, contagious. That made him cut down everyone in his life. He felt like whenever he talked about his feelings, he was shoving it into other people's faces.

Mrs. T's lectures arw always delightful ones, though. She's very encouraging, often shares little things about herself to do her part in melting the wall of ethical space created between the teachers and the students. She's from Morocco, but once mentioned something about her Balkan descent, none of which Soobin understood anyways. But she always makes something as bland as Biology seem like fun. Today's topic was gene linkage something, which this loud dude in class was way too exhilarated about.   
But today was one of those days when it was especially hard for Soobin to focus on things. Even the thought of opening his books and studying made him feel exhausted. Nothing was helping, the pills weren't doing their job and it just felt miserable. After seeing Soobin constantly mess up his calculations of the heterozygous frequency on the self assessment, something that was seemingly unchallenging for everyone else, of course it was assigned for home, and of course the overly enthusiastic dude was assigned to 'help' him. Because what the fuck is a Hardy Weinberg theorem? And what is the dude gonna do? Be frustrated because he has never seen anyone THIS DUMB? Or be a kind human being and say 'hey, you can talk to me if anything's wrong' which is seemingly such a sentiment, but quite frankly, what the fuck is human empathy? Not to jump to conclusions or anything but you think someone who's this bright and happy is going to understand what it feels like? Because let's face it, even if Soobin opens up, the conversation is going to end up in an apology or an apparently sincere 'I wish i could help'. And as unhealthy emotional constipation is, Soobin has decided to favour it, over any other option. He doesn't wanna be constantly reminded of how pitifully helpless he is.

So of course he tells Soobin to meet him at the cafeteria, and of course Soobin nods, and of course Soobin shows up, half-heartedly. And of course, the overly enthusiastic dude, shows up with two coffees.   
(to which he feels bad because he's been calling him the 'overly enthusiastic dude' in his mind since the past lecture but fuck it)   
"Hey, I'm Huening Kai! Nice to meet you," which reminds Soobin now the previous alias would have to be replaced.   
"Soobin", Soobin answers with a forced smile.   
"Already knew that. Anyways, here's a chai latte, don't thank me. Let's start.", and so the conversation about the frequency of alleles progressed, with Soobin understanding the goddamn theorem slightly better. And oh you square the 'p'. Of fucking course you do, what the fuck, Soobin.  
"Wasn't so hard was it. Now you'd want to solve a problem yourself"   
And so Soobin does. Except it's Huening Kai's extremely involved eyes that make him anxious, but it's fine, he can do it. And ta-da. 0.64. The answer. And when it's time for the dude to leave, he starts asking him questions. To which Soobin wants to reply stfu, but he decides to be nice and answer most of those with a one or two words reply.   
"Have you seen JoJo's Bizarre Adventure?", huffles Huening Kai. Now Soobin could easily say no and make Huening Kai feel totally disengaged in the conversation, except let's face it. JoJo is quite literally the best anime series he's ever seen, so he obviously nods and says yes, to which Kai's eyes sparkle up, the spark so familiar. It's like Déjà vu for Soobin. Huening Kai straight up jumps to an emotional rant about how much he loved Kakyoin. And does a terrible cherry impression. Lelolelolelolelo, he keeps doing it and a drop of saliva makes its way to Soobin's face to which Huening Kai apologizes and the bell rings. Soobin thanks the Mighty Lords and rises from his seat. Huening Kai gives a small piece of his paper, on which definitely his mobile number is written and mumbles a little 'see you tomorrow' before waving him goodbye. 

After a long exhausting day of forcing himself to give at least some output, he's at home in his bed. Some part of him wants to text Kai but the other dominant part is yelling in his mind about how he's worthless and something as worthy as Kai doesn't deserve an emotional mess in his life. He knows he's gonna regret it, he still texts 'hi, soobin here :)' to him. He gets a reply within almost no time 'gosh i thought u were never gonna text me' to which soobin replies 'why would you think that >:(?.!could never leave a fellow JoJo stan behind'. His phone dings again. 'actually, it's a JoBro. Whoever watches JoJo is a part of the JoBro community, I don't make the rules, Kakyoin does' and the conversation goes on for hours, but all this feels like a few minutes. And surprisingly Soobin feels happy and too much invested in this overly enthusiastic dude. After a 'brb' from Kai, Soobin leaves the phone and tries to solve some self assessment problems. Ah yes, at dusk Soobin is feeling worthless again. 

The thing about depression is that nothing you do, nothing at all, is going to magically make it disappear. To Soobin, human interaction and humour is just an unhealthy coping mechanism, because he knows he's going to relapse back to the same miserable state. So he flicks a cigarette, holds the smoke in and lets it out. He's relishing the smoke till the door bangs and he almost chokes on the smokes and takes no time to put it out, rushes to the bathroom to put some toothpaste in his mouth, of course hides the pack and opens the door. Of course it's his mom with some chocolate milk she made for Soobin.  
"Thanks mom" he quickly forces the door close but his mom holds it and steps inside.   
"Why does it smell like smoke in here? Honey, have you been smoking?" her voice breaks. Soobin is quick to shake his head but his mom opens the drawer and sees cigarettes inside and shuts her eyes and sits on the bed with her hands on her face.  
"Mom listen I can explain-", what exactly can you explain, dumbass? that the cigarette is your friend's? that you don't have? and the smoke is actually the chimney? which again you don't have?  
"You know your younger brother admires you so much. He practically looks upto you. And, and your dad who thinks you're working hard all day to make him proud. And me, I trust you with all my heart, Soobin. Please just, stay away from all this stuff. It's madness," his mom breaks into a sob.   
Soobin has felt miserable at times, but this a different kind of miserable. At first it's his own voices telling him he's a disappointment but now it's his loved ones. Everything has been doing downhill ever since he remembers stepping into this loop. He wants to run away, not from everything around him but from what's inside him. He wishes he could quit smoking, but it's the only thing that makes him feel slightly less miserable. The after effects don't count in this conversation. 

It's almost midnight and he can't sleep. He keeps reflecting back on the look on his mother's face. 

They say walking through a bunch of rainstorms gets you clean, like pain is some sort of glory. Except it's really not. Pain doesn’t equal beauty. Pain of any sort is misery. 

His phone dings.   
Kai : u up? 

'yea why?' 

Kai : oh gr8! nothin'.. just couldn't sleep 

'neither could i'

Kai : wanna sneak out? 

'wanna what?' 

Kai : come on! lets grab chicken nuggets at like 2am! or a mcflurry or like anything! pls it'd be fun. ADVENTURE TINGZZ :D  
Kai : but its rlly ok if u dont want to 

'lets do it' 

Kai : omfg send me ur address lets get this bread 

And so Kai shows up in his Tesla and not very surprisingly HONKS. What a dumbass, Soobin thinks. He subtly tip-toes, making his way downstairs to open the front door and sits in the car with him.   
"Hi!", Huening Kai says with a huge smile on his face.   
"Why did you honk? Dumbass," Soobin exclaims wearing his seatbelt.   
"How else was I supposed to let you know I was here?" Kai says whilst laughing.   
"I don't know, Einsten. Maybe you could've given me a call?" Soobin rolls his eyes.   
"Shut up," Kai laughs.   
And Kai jams to 'What a Feeling' by One Direction on his way to McDonald's and quite frankly, if you ask Soobin, Kai does look like the type of guy to have a tumblr blog and listen to One Direction even in 2019. Soobin just nods to the rhythm.  
They reach McDonald's and they're the only ones at the branch with the exception of two old men practically breathing their Big Macs. Soobin orders fries and coke and Kai orders 20 McNuggets, The Lords know why.   
Kai prefers manga while Soobin is biased towards anime. Soobin prefers dub whilst Kai prefers subs. Kai shows Soobin a very bad impression of Yare Yare Daze.   
"You do it too pleeaseeepleasepleasepleasepleaaaase", Huening Kai says with those damned puppy eyes of his.   
"Okay but I haven't done it before so don't laugh, okay?"   
Kai practically zips his mouth with his hands and Soobin giggles. And wow, Soobin's deep voice actually does the Yare Yare Daze justice.   
"Woah woah, okay that was epic. Didn't know your voice could go THIS deep. I mean it's kind of deep anyway but holy moly, this was legitness. Wait, how about you do an impression of stitch?" Soobin stares at him blankly  
"Ohana means family?" Kai inquires.  
"Oh right, I forgot how it went," Soobin shrugs. Kai rolls his eyes and pulls out his phone to show him a youtube clip from the movie.   
"Now do it!" Kai looks pumped.   
And of course Soobin doesn't wanna do it but he still does.   
"Ohana means family. And family means no one gets left behind, or forgotten," Soobin mimicks.   
"Okay so wow. That was incredible." Kai exclaims.   
"Really?" Soobin just stares at him.   
"Yeah! And you know what? I was born in Hawaii! Ohana is a Hawaiian word! Well, more like an idea really, I'd say. It's not just family family. It's everyone who cares about you. Your friends, your relatives, your cousins. It could be anyone. I think it's beautiful."   
Soobin just nods   
"So anyways! You wanna grab a chai latte?" Kai asks.   
"You know what?" Soobin asks, staring at Kai as Kai checks his phone.   
"Mmm?" Kai replies.   
"Chai literally means 'tea' in Hindi, or Persian, or Urdu, so whenever someone says 'chai latte' or 'chai tea', they're practically saying tea tea, or tea latte. Makes no sense at all," Soobin shakes his head.   
Kai smiles, "I love your mind."   
Soobin blushes at that. For some reaons it gave Soobin butterflies? Wow. Kai is really. So. Beautiful. His eyes look like a whole damn galaxy. He looks like that garlic pokemon. What was it's name? Squirtle? No! BULBASAUR, yes. He looks like Bulbasaur.   
"Hey? You still there?" Kai snaps Soobin out of his thoughts. It's almost dawn. Let's go!" Kai holds Soobin's hands as they leave and drops him home. Soobin texts Huening Kai a 'did u reach home safely' text to which Kai replied 'yes dumbass! go to schleeep zzzz :))'   
And so Soobin does. The next day is the same monotonous school day except it's accompanied by someone whose laughs are yellow. And for the moment, for all the moments Soobin spends with him, everything feels lighter. They continue chatting through the hallway and make their way out to the porch.   
"Wanna grab some starbucks?" Huening Kai suggests, and who is Soobin to deny. 

Holding hands is a very common thing now. Perhaps it could be because Kai doesn't romanticise two hands intertwining as much as Soobin likes to. Soobin just goes along with every Kai does. They grab a chai tea. Or just chai. And walk on the streets.   
"You know what? I'm really NOT the perfect student everyone thinks I am. Like I literally failed physics so bad I had to drop it last year!" Kai laughs.   
"Oh really?" Soobin asks   
"Yes. But like, Positive mental attitude. I have been trying to implement this after watching too much Pewds." They both laugh. 

They reach a park where the board says '5-12 y/os only' and of course Huening Kai goes inside. And of course Soobin follows.   
Huening Kai is casually ranting about the new IT movie and his love for Bill Hader and Soobin just stares. Kai is so ethereal.   
"Kai," Soobin interrupts Kai's immutable rambling.   
"Huh. Yeah?"   
"You look like ... the... " what the fuck is that damned garlic pokemon called.   
"The what?" Kai interrogates.   
Ok fuck it, I might just say it out loud.   
"The garlic pokemon!" Soobin says and it doesn't even take him 2 seconds to regret.   
"The what?"   
"The teal pokemon, dreamy eyes, adorable, looks like it has a garlic on it," Soobin hesitatingly replies. And let's just ignore the fact he said a pokemon has dreamy eyes.  
"The ... Bulbasaur?" Huening Kai inquires.   
"YES! The Bulbasaur!"   
And before Soobin even realizes they're on the bench, way too close. Soobin can almost feel Kai's breath on his nose. It smells of mint. Oh good Lords, don't make me taste of cigarettes, Soobin prays inaudibly before he leans in slowly and softly makes his lips meet Kai's. And Kai kisses back without even taking two moments to realize, oh it's happening. It's just a small, yet fairly long peck. Soobin cups Kai's cheeks. Kai's lips are soft and they smell of cherry.   
"If I'm the Bulbasaur, can you be my Ash?" Huening Kai says softly.   
Soobin nods before saying "But wait... that doesn't..."   
And yes Huening Kai realizes it doesn't make any sense because Ash simply owns the pokemon. Huening Kai is a dumbass. They giggle together. It's blissful.   
Everything stays normal and happy till a week later, the monster depressant of Soobin's mind kicks in and everything feels upside down. He's been ghosting Kai for a good 24 hours and Kai is constantly calling and texting him whilst he's finding a way to escape these recurrent thoughts. He doesn't wanna talk to anyone, not even Kai. He's out of pills, out of cigarettes, nothing feels right. He wonders why he's in Kai's life. Maybe he's just putting up with Soobin, because On Lords, why on earth would someone wanna date someone like ME.   
Soobin wouldn't recommend lying on the bathroom floor, feeling like absolute grabage. But he still does it, for what feels like eternity. It's all too quiet it's like Soobin is drenched in the loneliness until Kai actually shows up at Soobin's and starts banging the door.   
"Open the door, I know you're inside. Damn it, Soobin!" Kai makes sure to keep it loud enough for him to hear but not any of his family members downstairs.   
And of course, Soobin opens the door after a good 5 minutes and burts into tears before anything. Kai gives him a hug and locks the door.   
"Baby, you can talk to me, okay?" Kai says softly. Soobin felt okay hugging Kai, until he said talk to me. Like what the fuck is Kai gonna go? Feel sorry for his miserably depressed boyfriend? He's irritated and so frustrated his mind could explode.  
"No I cannot! What are you going to say? I'm SORRY? And a billion more I Love Yous, honestly what are they gonna do? Make me feel even more helpless because nobody can do anything?" Soobin exclaims, his voice constantly breaking.   
It takes Kai a minute to digest all the information.   
"But you know I can try, right? We both can fight this together. We-" Kai tries to finish till he's interrupted by Soobin.   
"There's no we in this, Kai. It's me. Alone. And don't event try telling me we can fight this when you don't even understand what it feels like. You are one happy emotionally stable teen who thinks he can make everything right by smiling. Leave me the fuck alone. I beg you."   
Kai stares at Soobin blankly before he gulps, gets up and leaves.   
And of course, it takes Soobin a lot of time to get out of that irritant depressive phase to realize oh. He'd messed up. 

The worst thing about depression for Soobin isn't that he feels like a hamster running in this never-ending loop of suffering, it's that it affects your loved ones, along with you. For Soobin it was his parents, who still stay worried about him all the time, his brother, who's a lot quieter, quieter than ever before. And now it's Kai.   
'i'm sorry i messed up but before i say anything. meet me at the park in 5. please' Soobin texts Kai. He goes to the local store to buy some cigarettes and sits on the same bench in that damned children's park and fags on the cigarette. It's until his cigarette is snatched by the hands so familiar, he looks up. The same Bulbasaur eyes look at him, with an expression mixed with anger and frustration.   
"Kai, you came. I'm so sorry I-", Soobin tries to make up words till he's interrupted by a light peck followed by a light hit on his arm.   
"This is for not thinking twice before you speak, dumbass," Kai laughs but Soobin can see the extra sparkle in his eyes because of unshed tears. Soobin kisses Kai again.   
"I love you, and I'm sorry I messed up so bad," Soobin says.   
"You know it's fine, it really is. I understand what you're going through. Understand, not in the way that I totally relate to what you're going through but in the way that I understand it's not your fault for feeling this way. And I'm here to help, even the slightest bit of help would do. It's because I love you, for you. And I have chosen to stay," Kai says with a wholesome smile on his face.   
"Remember when you told me about Ohana. To me, you are Ohana, Soobin'" Kai says, staring at Soobin with his head half tilted.  
And of course Soobin almost tears up and embraces Kai, who fits so perfectly in his arms.   
"I love you. Let's grab a chai latte," Soobin suggests.   
"A chai," Kai corrects. They both laugh.

Soobin for sure gets effed up sometimes, but he feels a little safer when he's with Kai. Those beautiful eyes tell him he's valid, every day. Let's rewatch JoJo for the nth time if you want to, if you don't that's fine too. If you need a little space, I'd be delighted to give. Because I love you, and I have chosen to stay. 

You see how in movies romance is depicted as the solution to every problem, the cure of depression. Well, let's face it, it's quite frankly not. But it's always nice to have someone of Bulbasaur's eyes, someone who not only listens, but understands. Not only tells you how much he loves you repeatedly but proves it, too.

**Author's Note:**

> hiii!! its me again. sipping onto my mint tea, or chai ;D with yet another sookai au! it's heavily based on my own personal experience with depression, something that i'm still fighting to this day. please shower your friends with love and compliments. it might not mean a lot to you but it might mean the world to someone else. i love you and thank you for taking your time to read this. huening kai is baby.


End file.
